When You are Lonely in Grief

The past few years have been rough.  It seems like I've been dealt one blow after another and at times all I can do is just survive.  The obstacles I've encountered and some tremendous heartaches have caused me to live in a state of grief.

Grief is different for everyone and I don't pretend to know what anyone else has walked through with theirs.  What I do understand about all grief is that there is no timeline for grieving, and everyone has to walk through it in their own way.  What I have also found is that for me, and from what I understand from many others, is that grief can be compounded by, or intensify from, the loneliness that can come with it.

Let me just say right here that I have not lost anyone close to me from a death recently.  I cannot speak to that level of loneliness, but if you have been through that type of loss, I can only imagine that the loneliness is even more intense because you miss that person.  And I'm so very sorry for that indescribable loss.

I do, nevertheless, know about my own loss and grief.  I have experienced many traumatic things over the past few years.  I grieve and have feelings of loss over these circumstances.  Here are some of the things I feel comfortable sharing:

• I found out that I had latent Tuberculosis, a serious condition that required pretty intense medical intervention for a period of nine months.  

• My child was diagnosed with PANDAS, or, Pediatric Autoimmune Neuropsychiatric Disorder Associated with streptococcal infections.   We went through many treatments not covered by insurance - and spent thousands of dollars.  Our child is still not well.   

• Another child went in for routine surgery and upon being discharged, hemorrhaged blood and had to be rushed into another surgery.

• I almost lost my toddler in a near-drowning accident.

• There were heavy situations happening within my family and friend groups that broke my heart, scared me, and caused me great anxiety. 

• I have dealt with unrelenting health problems and sicknesses.  I have gained thirty pounds and suffered from situational depression, anxiety, and chronic pain.

• Oh, and the biggest one of all, my marriage almost fell apart.

Throughout this period, many of my relationships have struggled or dissolved.  This hurts me deeply, and only makes me grieve more.  But even so, I get it.

1. My friends don't know whats going on in my life or can't understand why I've changed.  There are many things I have walked through that I can not discuss in depth.  I am not trying to be elusive.  Some stories are not mine to tell, but impact me greatly.  While I have tried to explain that I am going through a hard time, or open up about things I am comfortable talking about, sometimes it's just not enough.

2.  I simply can't offer the amount of time to spend with friends that I used to be able to.

3.  If I do make plans, I often have to cancel.  Either I get sick, or my child has a complete meltdown, or what I've gone through just stops me in my tracks.  I'm just not very reliable.

4. Nobody wants to be around a downer.  It can be awkward to continually talk about my problems in a group of friends, or it can feel awkward if it's not brought up.  Either way, sad and awkward aren't fun.

5. I have not been available to reciprocate friendship in many ways.  I can only imagine that many friends have fought their own intense battles and had their share of hard times lately as well.  I haven't been there for them.

6.  I quit almost every organization I was involved in.  I went from being a busy, I'd even say sought-after, volunteer, to having no extracurricular activities.  I even quit my job to deal with what was happening in our family.  I was once a person who was surrounded by people all the time, and now can feel alone and isolated at times.  I lost all of that human interaction, and in almost every case, those relationships and friendships I thought I'd made.


This isn't supposed to be a completely depressing post, and I know it is taking that shape, but it's something on my heart to write about.

So, then, how can I turn the perspective around and end this on a more uplifting note?

If you are the friend of someone who has become distant or who you know is going through a hard time:

1.  Be patient.

If you know someone experiencing a time of grief, please be patient with him/her.

I've had people say they understood that I'm going through a hard time, but then never reach out or invite me again.  Friends have said they thought I didn't want to be friends anymore, or they just knew that I was going to cancel again.  I've had friends become frustrated with me and say that I no longer need to be friends with them.  None of this was what I wanted or what I thought I was projecting. All of these assumptions have hurt, but I do try to understand why my friends thought these things.

2. Give the Benefit of the Doubt..

If those friends had offered me the benefit of the doubt and considered that I might be going through something really rough, maybe they wouldn't have become so upset with me.

3.  Reach out.

We are all going through things and just trying to survive half the time.  Even still, if you think about someone, text them.  Let them know you care, even if you don't see each other much.


If you are going through a terrible season:

1. Be patient.

Many people don't know what's going on with you.  They don't understand.  They have their own battles to fight.  They miss their friend.

2. Forgive.

Forgive yourself, your friends, and God.  Life is too short to become bitter, even if it is unbearably difficult.

3. Reach out.

Maybe I should have been more clear with my friends about what I was going through, or the intensity of the situation, or what I needed.

I hope and pray that my heart, body and mind will continue to heal, that every situation will see full repair and miracle upon miracle, and that every relationship will be restored.  

I write this post not to make anyone feel bad, but to shed light on what it can be like to feel very lonely in the midst of grief.  It is my hope that by writing I can find more healing myself, I can make sure the grievers and the lonely know that they are not alone, and I can inspire others to open up to vulnerability and share their own stories.

I also know that many people have supported me and stuck with me through it all.  I don't take that lightly, and I appreciate you.

 I leave you with a Bible verse that has touched me today.

Your righteousness reaches to the heavens, O God,
You who have done great things.
Who, O God, is like You?
Though you have shown me many troubles and misfortunes,
You will revive me once again.
Even from the depths of the earth
You will bring me back up.
You will increase my honor
and comfort me once again.

Psalm 71: 19-21