God, where are you?

Photo by Ganapathy Kumar on Unsplash

My Quest to Find the Moon

Last summer, I took a course called Curriculum and Methods of Science as part of the graduate teacher certification program I'm working on.  I have always been a high-achieving student, but for as long as I can remember, science hasn't been especially interesting to me.  Let's just say I retained very little from all of the science classes I took over the years.  It may sound silly, but when I learned about the phases of the moon, it was as if I was hearing it for the first time.

One of the requirements of the class was that we each keep a moon journal.  For one month, we had to go outside every night and record what the moon looked like onto a journaling sheet.  I obviously realized the moon could appear full, crescent, half, and so forth, but what I never bothered to pay attention to, was the specific pattern to the phases of the moon.  This activity helped us better understand those phases, and served as an example of an activity we could assign to our own students.

moon journal page

The moon journal assignment sounded easy enough, but it turned out to be a huge issue for me!  First of all, I had to remember to go outside every single night, when it was dark enough to see the moon, and twirl around looking at the sky, in my pajamas, trying to find the moon.

When I say trying to find the moon, I mean it was a challenge.  There were many nights I would go outside and NOT see the moon.  Even on the nights that I knew, according to my new understanding of the lunar phases, that I should see it, sometimes it wouldn't be there.  I would text friends in the class, and my mom (she is that person that reminds everyone to go outside at 3 am to watch the meteor shower), and ask them if they'd seen the moon that night.  I would ask things like:  Does the moon even exist anymore?  Where is the moon?  Is this some sort of huge practical joke?  Am I going crazy? 

I became obsessed with finding the moon.  I kept bringing it up at class, even after other classmates said they didn't see it either, reasoning that it must be the weather or something.  I just couldn't let it go.  I was extremely agitated that my assignment was to record what the moon looked like, and I could not even find it most of the time.  When I turned in my paper after the month, it had notes all over it like the questions above, and exclamations of joy when I finally saw the moon again.

It's been over a year, and I am a little less obsessed with the moon, but not by much.  I still find myself looking for it whenever I'm out at night, and feel pretty aggravated when I don't see it.  When I do find the moon, I honestly let out a sigh of relief and feel a little tension leave my body.  Oh, there you are.  

My Search for God

Much like my interest in science, it took a lot longer for me to make the connection between my search for the moon, and my search for God, than it should have.  I just realized yesterday, when I caught myself looking up for the moon, that I was finally starting to find God again, and how much the journey reminded me of that stinking moon journal!

For far too long, I could not see God, feel God, or hear God.  Nothing. Radio Silence.

To be fair, there were many hints of his working in my life, but many times I just didn't want to acknowledge them.  I was angry that I had counted on God since I was old enough to believe in his existence, and now, when I needed him most, he had let me down.  You can argue with me about the validity of those feelings all you want, that God didn't let me down, and so on, but that's what I felt, and I was not going to be convinced otherwise.  I wanted to find God, but I didn't know how to, or I couldn't make myself, find him.

I knew God was there, and that other people could find him. Why couldn't I?

I am so thankful that I have started to find God again.  I never gave up hope, but I did question my faith a lot.  I wish I could pinpoint exactly what happened to change things for me.  There have been many people praying for me and I have done so many different things to find healing, so it's hard to highlight just one event.

One story does stand out though.  I am sad to admit that I did not sing one single word during worship at church for over a year.  Me, the gal who loves singing more than almost anything.  I just stood there silently.  But when a special guest at a women's conference sang the song, "I am not Alone," and the words finally made their way through my lips, the healing tears streamed down my face. (listen here:  I Am Not Alone by Kari Jobe)

I also wish that I could confidently say that my heart is completely healed and that I can now find God each and every time that I look.  While I don't think I'm there yet, what I can say, is that I am so relieved that I know and believe he is there.  The anger and hurt are starting to dissipate and I now see light more and more. 

Just like I may not always find the moon when I look up at night, I don't always have that visual or tangible proof that God is there.  But I have learned enough about the phases of the moon to know that it didn't just disappear simply because I can't see it from my front yard.  I also understand that if I don't see it one night, or even several in a row, before long, it will be visible again.  I'm trying apply that same understanding to my relationship with God.  I may not find him today, but he will, without a doubt, show himself again if I just keep looking up.

link to listen to "I am Not Alone" by Kari Jobe:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bfveawSAHJA

When You are Lonely in Grief

The past few years have been rough.  It seems like I've been dealt one blow after another and at times all I can do is just survive.  The obstacles I've encountered and some tremendous heartaches have caused me to live in a state of grief.

Grief is different for everyone and I don't pretend to know what anyone else has walked through with theirs.  What I do understand about all grief is that there is no timeline for grieving, and everyone has to walk through it in their own way.  What I have also found is that for me, and from what I understand from many others, is that grief can be compounded by, or intensify from, the loneliness that can come with it.

Let me just say right here that I have not lost anyone close to me from a death recently.  I cannot speak to that level of loneliness, but if you have been through that type of loss, I can only imagine that the loneliness is even more intense because you miss that person.  And I'm so very sorry for that indescribable loss.

I do, nevertheless, know about my own loss and grief.  I have experienced many traumatic things over the past few years.  I grieve and have feelings of loss over these circumstances.  Here are some of the things I feel comfortable sharing:

• I found out that I had latent Tuberculosis, a serious condition that required pretty intense medical intervention for a period of nine months.  

• My child was diagnosed with PANDAS, or, Pediatric Autoimmune Neuropsychiatric Disorder Associated with streptococcal infections.   We went through many treatments not covered by insurance - and spent thousands of dollars.  Our child is still not well.   

• Another child went in for routine surgery and upon being discharged, hemorrhaged blood and had to be rushed into another surgery.

• I almost lost my toddler in a near-drowning accident.

• There were heavy situations happening within my family and friend groups that broke my heart, scared me, and caused me great anxiety. 

• I have dealt with unrelenting health problems and sicknesses.  I have gained thirty pounds and suffered from situational depression, anxiety, and chronic pain.

• Oh, and the biggest one of all, my marriage almost fell apart.

Throughout this period, many of my relationships have struggled or dissolved.  This hurts me deeply, and only makes me grieve more.  But even so, I get it.

1. My friends don't know whats going on in my life or can't understand why I've changed.  There are many things I have walked through that I can not discuss in depth.  I am not trying to be elusive.  Some stories are not mine to tell, but impact me greatly.  While I have tried to explain that I am going through a hard time, or open up about things I am comfortable talking about, sometimes it's just not enough.

2.  I simply can't offer the amount of time to spend with friends that I used to be able to.

3.  If I do make plans, I often have to cancel.  Either I get sick, or my child has a complete meltdown, or what I've gone through just stops me in my tracks.  I'm just not very reliable.

4. Nobody wants to be around a downer.  It can be awkward to continually talk about my problems in a group of friends, or it can feel awkward if it's not brought up.  Either way, sad and awkward aren't fun.

5. I have not been available to reciprocate friendship in many ways.  I can only imagine that many friends have fought their own intense battles and had their share of hard times lately as well.  I haven't been there for them.

6.  I quit almost every organization I was involved in.  I went from being a busy, I'd even say sought-after, volunteer, to having no extracurricular activities.  I even quit my job to deal with what was happening in our family.  I was once a person who was surrounded by people all the time, and now can feel alone and isolated at times.  I lost all of that human interaction, and in almost every case, those relationships and friendships I thought I'd made.


This isn't supposed to be a completely depressing post, and I know it is taking that shape, but it's something on my heart to write about.

So, then, how can I turn the perspective around and end this on a more uplifting note?

If you are the friend of someone who has become distant or who you know is going through a hard time:

1.  Be patient.

If you know someone experiencing a time of grief, please be patient with him/her.

I've had people say they understood that I'm going through a hard time, but then never reach out or invite me again.  Friends have said they thought I didn't want to be friends anymore, or they just knew that I was going to cancel again.  I've had friends become frustrated with me and say that I no longer need to be friends with them.  None of this was what I wanted or what I thought I was projecting. All of these assumptions have hurt, but I do try to understand why my friends thought these things.

2. Give the Benefit of the Doubt..

If those friends had offered me the benefit of the doubt and considered that I might be going through something really rough, maybe they wouldn't have become so upset with me.

3.  Reach out.

We are all going through things and just trying to survive half the time.  Even still, if you think about someone, text them.  Let them know you care, even if you don't see each other much.


If you are going through a terrible season:

1. Be patient.

Many people don't know what's going on with you.  They don't understand.  They have their own battles to fight.  They miss their friend.

2. Forgive.

Forgive yourself, your friends, and God.  Life is too short to become bitter, even if it is unbearably difficult.

3. Reach out.

Maybe I should have been more clear with my friends about what I was going through, or the intensity of the situation, or what I needed.

I hope and pray that my heart, body and mind will continue to heal, that every situation will see full repair and miracle upon miracle, and that every relationship will be restored.  

I write this post not to make anyone feel bad, but to shed light on what it can be like to feel very lonely in the midst of grief.  It is my hope that by writing I can find more healing myself, I can make sure the grievers and the lonely know that they are not alone, and I can inspire others to open up to vulnerability and share their own stories.

I also know that many people have supported me and stuck with me through it all.  I don't take that lightly, and I appreciate you.

 I leave you with a Bible verse that has touched me today.

Your righteousness reaches to the heavens, O God,
You who have done great things.
Who, O God, is like You?
Though you have shown me many troubles and misfortunes,
You will revive me once again.
Even from the depths of the earth
You will bring me back up.
You will increase my honor
and comfort me once again.

Psalm 71: 19-21