resolutions

 

I used to be all about the whole New Years resolutions thing. I would doodle pretty headings, use stickers, and list my goals and some positive phrases, all in a beautiful journal. Truth be told, I never could fill in any pages of a journal beyond the resolutions, but I ALWAYS wrote down my resolutions.

My hubby is SO about goal setting. Even when we were dating, we would set a date in the beginning of the year with the sole purpose of sharing our resolutions, dreams and aspirations for the year. I remember attending a little presentation he gave his fraternity on the importance of setting goals. We would even make dream boards to share with each other, with pictures cut out from magazines.

Yep, big goal setters and BIG dreamers over here.

I say all that to admit that this year, I just don't FEEL like making any resolutions.  Gasp.

What I mean to say is that I want to make resolutions so badly that I get all goose-bumpy and teary-eyed just thinking about it.

BUT I can't.

I'm too scared and I'm too embarrassed.

I haven't made any New Years resolutions yet this year because I am scared that I won't accomplish any of them, and I'm embarrassed  to make the same exact resolutions that I have made for as long as I can remember, just to fail at reaching them once again.

To illustrate my point, I just found my journal from 2009. I turned the beautiful pages and realized that truly, I've accomplished very few things I listed in those resolutions. What's worse is I know I had written very similar resolutions for probably ten years before that. One of the few things I DID tackle is teaching our now six year old her ABCs. Thank God I can cross that one off.

photos from my 2009 journal

 


I know I haven't been sitting around doing nothing, and I know I have accomplished plenty in the last six years. I have a lot to be proud of, and more importantly, thankful for.

But still.

Still, I cringe listing the same resolutions that I've had for so many years. I'm embarrassed to share them with anyone else.  Well meaning friends ask me if I've made any resolutions and I just want to run to my bed and pull the covers over my head.  How can I claim that this year I will blah blah blah, and mean it, when I honestly meant it every other year and I never managed to follow through and make it happen?

Oh, so this is the year it will definitely happen? Yeah, ok.

Well, you know, that's the scared, pessimistic part of me.

The other part of me is so optimistic. I am excited. I am so excited for this clean state. This fresh start. This new year. 2015. I want so badly to say that this is my year.

I just.
I just can't fail again this year.
I HAVE to figure this stuff out.

This stuff.

You know, this stuff will probably always be my stuff. I hope with all my heart to conquer it and never look back (if I could at LEAST be the most organized, size 2, creative genius in Kenosha, that would suffice). But, my struggle with my stuff may be life-long. I get that. We all have stuff. The struggle, as they say, is real.

But my stuff, my struggle, my perpetual list of to-do's, goals or resolutions does not define me. Yes, I want greatly to cross some things off of my reoccurring resolutions list once and for all. But, who I am - who I want to BE - is so much more important than these things on my list that I want to DO.

"Many of us create "to do" lists to remind us of things we want to accomplish. But people rarely have "to be" lists. Why? "To do’s" are activities or events that can be checked off the list when done. "To be", however, is never done. You can’t earn checkmarks with "to be's"...it needs to be part of my nature—my character, or who I am." - Lynn Robbins

When I was a teenager, I heard Janice Sjostrand, a phenomenal speaker/singer/songwriter, give a sermon at youth camp that made such an impression on me, and will stay with me forever. It was about Esther - Hadassah - and although I can't remember all of the details as I'd like, I will never forget one sentence that Dr. Sjostrand said. She said, "When I grow up, I want to be lovely". Regardless of anything else we young ladies would strive to be, she urged us to resolve to be lovely.

I have set my sights on being lovely ever since. I'm not there yet, and I don't claim to be, but it IS who I want to be.

In 2015 I will continue to work towards becoming lovely, and I will add some more "to-be's" to aspire to. I like that a lot better than my usual list. Yet, I'm not ready to completely bid adieu to the usual list of resolutions. I truly want to meet these seemingly insurmountable giants head-on.

This year I hope to - HAVE to - be able to see notable improvement. I want to be able to look back next year and say that I took steps towards my goals. Some large steps. That I am on my way. That I am so close. So close that maybe I can actually tweak my resolutions for 2016. That would be amazing. I could live with tweaking.

So, since I've decided to overcome my fear of failure, and lean towards optimism and becoming a better me, what am I going to do to start 2015 off in the right direction?

1. Define who God would have me be and who I want to be. I'll try to make them match.

2. Find an inspiring, meaningful word and make it my mantra for the year.

3. Establish a Bible life-verse to pray on and cling to this particular year and/or always.

4. Yes, write down my same-old-boring resolutions, but more importantly, include real, attainable steps to getting closer to my goals. That way I can see progress this year and not beat myself up if I don't make it all the way to the finish line.

5. Read "Crash the Chatterbox" by Steven Furtick. Our church started this sermon series today and our life group will do a six week study on the book. I can already tell that this will be huge for me.

I don't know what I was thinking, trying to get around making goals this year. I am a dreamer and a goal-setter to a fault. I have been my whole life. So much so that I often find myself so eager for what is to come, that I can miss the joy in the season that I'm in. That is the last step to pointing myself in the right direction in 2015.

6. Practice an attitude of gratitude.  Be thankful for, and find joy in, all - ALL - things.

Here's to a New Year filled with acknowledging how far I've come, who He says I am, an admirable, yet attainable list of resolutions, a "to-be" list that's more important, old friends, new friends, family, good-books, belly-laughs, very few fashion faux pas, growth, thankfulness, lives being changed, lost being saved, doubts and fears overcome, health, love, prosperity, ingenuity, creativity, and joy unspeakable joy.

Ok, one more step.

7. I should also try harder to invent something this year. My hubby REALLY wants us to be on Shark Tank.