put your hand in mine

The other night the baby was crying. This is nothing new. He is eleven months and has never slept through the night. It goes without saying...I'm tired. Really tired. For real.

So, he cries.

It is maybe 2 am. I decide that this time I am not getting out of bed. I will let him cry it out. I let him cry maybe ten minutes. I can't take it.

I go into his room quietly. It is unusually dark that night, but I can tell he is standing up in his crib. He is always standing up in his crib.(*This is why my babies have never put themselves to bed. They will out-stand me and out-cry me. Every time.)

When I get to the crib, my eyes still haven't adjusted to the darkness. I put my hand on the crib railing. He stops crying.

This moment took my breath away.

He stops crying and he puts his tiny baby hand on top of mine.

I didn't even know he could see me. I didn't think I made a sound.

Maybe he could see me better than I could see him, but it felt like a poignant moment. It felt like he just knew. He knew I was there and he just stopped crying.

Then. Then he reached out and put his perfect little hand on my hand. I got chills down my spine.

Remember, I could barely see him, so this simple act stunned me. It melted me. For him to find my hand like that when I didn't expect it, was so powerful to me. I could feel God so strongly in that moment.

I can't stop thinking about it.

It really made me wonder. Do I sense God when He is right in front of me? (This is always, right?)  I did that night. I do sometimes. But do I typically?

Even when it is dark.
Even when I am scared.
When I am crying out for Him.
When I am sad.
Distressed.
Worried.
Confused.
When I don't understand.

Do I know He is right here? Do I stop my crying and feel His presence? Am I immediately comforted? Do I realize how near He is? Do I reach out and put my hand on His?

I don't think I do. Not usually.  Not like I could. 

If only I could be like my sweet baby. My very presence quiets him. My voice. My smell. My touch calms him even after crying for ten minutes - an eternity to both my little guy and to me. I am everything he needs. As my Mom says, "Mommy is his favorite" right now. All is right in the world when he's in my arms. Almost always.

Could I let God comfort ME like that?

I ask God every day to help me. I beg him. Please God. Whatever I'm facing today. Sometimes it's small, but it feels so big in this moment. Be with me. Help me through this. I can't do this alone. I'm not cut out for this.

Yet, He's right here with me.

 

 The LORD remains near to all who call out to him, to everyone who calls out to him sincerely. Psalm 145:18

 He is right here - NEAR to me. He WILL help me. I have just to dry my tears and reach out for His hand.

I, the LORD your God, hold your right hand and say to you, 'Don't be afraid; I will help you.'

Isaiah 41:13

Lord, let the mention of your name calm me. When I am sad, distressed, worried or confused, let me feel your presence and grow quiet and still. I know I only have to reach out and you are there. 

I never want to forget the moment when my precious baby reached out to me in the dark and put his tiny hand on mine. I never want to forget how it felt. Allow me to hold onto that moment and more importantly, what you were trying to teach me. Always. 

Amen.