God, where are you?

Photo by Ganapathy Kumar on Unsplash

My Quest to Find the Moon

Last summer, I took a course called Curriculum and Methods of Science as part of the graduate teacher certification program I'm working on.  I have always been a high-achieving student, but for as long as I can remember, science hasn't been especially interesting to me.  Let's just say I retained very little from all of the science classes I took over the years.  It may sound silly, but when I learned about the phases of the moon, it was as if I was hearing it for the first time.

One of the requirements of the class was that we each keep a moon journal.  For one month, we had to go outside every night and record what the moon looked like onto a journaling sheet.  I obviously realized the moon could appear full, crescent, half, and so forth, but what I never bothered to pay attention to, was the specific pattern to the phases of the moon.  This activity helped us better understand those phases, and served as an example of an activity we could assign to our own students.

moon journal page

The moon journal assignment sounded easy enough, but it turned out to be a huge issue for me!  First of all, I had to remember to go outside every single night, when it was dark enough to see the moon, and twirl around looking at the sky, in my pajamas, trying to find the moon.

When I say trying to find the moon, I mean it was a challenge.  There were many nights I would go outside and NOT see the moon.  Even on the nights that I knew, according to my new understanding of the lunar phases, that I should see it, sometimes it wouldn't be there.  I would text friends in the class, and my mom (she is that person that reminds everyone to go outside at 3 am to watch the meteor shower), and ask them if they'd seen the moon that night.  I would ask things like:  Does the moon even exist anymore?  Where is the moon?  Is this some sort of huge practical joke?  Am I going crazy? 

I became obsessed with finding the moon.  I kept bringing it up at class, even after other classmates said they didn't see it either, reasoning that it must be the weather or something.  I just couldn't let it go.  I was extremely agitated that my assignment was to record what the moon looked like, and I could not even find it most of the time.  When I turned in my paper after the month, it had notes all over it like the questions above, and exclamations of joy when I finally saw the moon again.

It's been over a year, and I am a little less obsessed with the moon, but not by much.  I still find myself looking for it whenever I'm out at night, and feel pretty aggravated when I don't see it.  When I do find the moon, I honestly let out a sigh of relief and feel a little tension leave my body.  Oh, there you are.  

My Search for God

Much like my interest in science, it took a lot longer for me to make the connection between my search for the moon, and my search for God, than it should have.  I just realized yesterday, when I caught myself looking up for the moon, that I was finally starting to find God again, and how much the journey reminded me of that stinking moon journal!

For far too long, I could not see God, feel God, or hear God.  Nothing. Radio Silence.

To be fair, there were many hints of his working in my life, but many times I just didn't want to acknowledge them.  I was angry that I had counted on God since I was old enough to believe in his existence, and now, when I needed him most, he had let me down.  You can argue with me about the validity of those feelings all you want, that God didn't let me down, and so on, but that's what I felt, and I was not going to be convinced otherwise.  I wanted to find God, but I didn't know how to, or I couldn't make myself, find him.

I knew God was there, and that other people could find him. Why couldn't I?

I am so thankful that I have started to find God again.  I never gave up hope, but I did question my faith a lot.  I wish I could pinpoint exactly what happened to change things for me.  There have been many people praying for me and I have done so many different things to find healing, so it's hard to highlight just one event.

One story does stand out though.  I am sad to admit that I did not sing one single word during worship at church for over a year.  Me, the gal who loves singing more than almost anything.  I just stood there silently.  But when a special guest at a women's conference sang the song, "I am not Alone," and the words finally made their way through my lips, the healing tears streamed down my face. (listen here:  I Am Not Alone by Kari Jobe)

I also wish that I could confidently say that my heart is completely healed and that I can now find God each and every time that I look.  While I don't think I'm there yet, what I can say, is that I am so relieved that I know and believe he is there.  The anger and hurt are starting to dissipate and I now see light more and more. 

Just like I may not always find the moon when I look up at night, I don't always have that visual or tangible proof that God is there.  But I have learned enough about the phases of the moon to know that it didn't just disappear simply because I can't see it from my front yard.  I also understand that if I don't see it one night, or even several in a row, before long, it will be visible again.  I'm trying apply that same understanding to my relationship with God.  I may not find him today, but he will, without a doubt, show himself again if I just keep looking up.

link to listen to "I am Not Alone" by Kari Jobe:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bfveawSAHJA

When You are Lonely in Grief

The past few years have been rough.  It seems like I've been dealt one blow after another and at times all I can do is just survive.  The obstacles I've encountered and some tremendous heartaches have caused me to live in a state of grief.

Grief is different for everyone and I don't pretend to know what anyone else has walked through with theirs.  What I do understand about all grief is that there is no timeline for grieving, and everyone has to walk through it in their own way.  What I have also found is that for me, and from what I understand from many others, is that grief can be compounded by, or intensify from, the loneliness that can come with it.

Let me just say right here that I have not lost anyone close to me from a death recently.  I cannot speak to that level of loneliness, but if you have been through that type of loss, I can only imagine that the loneliness is even more intense because you miss that person.  And I'm so very sorry for that indescribable loss.

I do, nevertheless, know about my own loss and grief.  I have experienced many traumatic things over the past few years.  I grieve and have feelings of loss over these circumstances.  Here are some of the things I feel comfortable sharing:

• I found out that I had latent Tuberculosis, a serious condition that required pretty intense medical intervention for a period of nine months.  

• My child was diagnosed with PANDAS, or, Pediatric Autoimmune Neuropsychiatric Disorder Associated with streptococcal infections.   We went through many treatments not covered by insurance - and spent thousands of dollars.  Our child is still not well.   

• Another child went in for routine surgery and upon being discharged, hemorrhaged blood and had to be rushed into another surgery.

• I almost lost my toddler in a near-drowning accident.

• There were heavy situations happening within my family and friend groups that broke my heart, scared me, and caused me great anxiety. 

• I have dealt with unrelenting health problems and sicknesses.  I have gained thirty pounds and suffered from situational depression, anxiety, and chronic pain.

• Oh, and the biggest one of all, my marriage almost fell apart.

Throughout this period, many of my relationships have struggled or dissolved.  This hurts me deeply, and only makes me grieve more.  But even so, I get it.

1. My friends don't know whats going on in my life or can't understand why I've changed.  There are many things I have walked through that I can not discuss in depth.  I am not trying to be elusive.  Some stories are not mine to tell, but impact me greatly.  While I have tried to explain that I am going through a hard time, or open up about things I am comfortable talking about, sometimes it's just not enough.

2.  I simply can't offer the amount of time to spend with friends that I used to be able to.

3.  If I do make plans, I often have to cancel.  Either I get sick, or my child has a complete meltdown, or what I've gone through just stops me in my tracks.  I'm just not very reliable.

4. Nobody wants to be around a downer.  It can be awkward to continually talk about my problems in a group of friends, or it can feel awkward if it's not brought up.  Either way, sad and awkward aren't fun.

5. I have not been available to reciprocate friendship in many ways.  I can only imagine that many friends have fought their own intense battles and had their share of hard times lately as well.  I haven't been there for them.

6.  I quit almost every organization I was involved in.  I went from being a busy, I'd even say sought-after, volunteer, to having no extracurricular activities.  I even quit my job to deal with what was happening in our family.  I was once a person who was surrounded by people all the time, and now can feel alone and isolated at times.  I lost all of that human interaction, and in almost every case, those relationships and friendships I thought I'd made.


This isn't supposed to be a completely depressing post, and I know it is taking that shape, but it's something on my heart to write about.

So, then, how can I turn the perspective around and end this on a more uplifting note?

If you are the friend of someone who has become distant or who you know is going through a hard time:

1.  Be patient.

If you know someone experiencing a time of grief, please be patient with him/her.

I've had people say they understood that I'm going through a hard time, but then never reach out or invite me again.  Friends have said they thought I didn't want to be friends anymore, or they just knew that I was going to cancel again.  I've had friends become frustrated with me and say that I no longer need to be friends with them.  None of this was what I wanted or what I thought I was projecting. All of these assumptions have hurt, but I do try to understand why my friends thought these things.

2. Give the Benefit of the Doubt..

If those friends had offered me the benefit of the doubt and considered that I might be going through something really rough, maybe they wouldn't have become so upset with me.

3.  Reach out.

We are all going through things and just trying to survive half the time.  Even still, if you think about someone, text them.  Let them know you care, even if you don't see each other much.


If you are going through a terrible season:

1. Be patient.

Many people don't know what's going on with you.  They don't understand.  They have their own battles to fight.  They miss their friend.

2. Forgive.

Forgive yourself, your friends, and God.  Life is too short to become bitter, even if it is unbearably difficult.

3. Reach out.

Maybe I should have been more clear with my friends about what I was going through, or the intensity of the situation, or what I needed.

I hope and pray that my heart, body and mind will continue to heal, that every situation will see full repair and miracle upon miracle, and that every relationship will be restored.  

I write this post not to make anyone feel bad, but to shed light on what it can be like to feel very lonely in the midst of grief.  It is my hope that by writing I can find more healing myself, I can make sure the grievers and the lonely know that they are not alone, and I can inspire others to open up to vulnerability and share their own stories.

I also know that many people have supported me and stuck with me through it all.  I don't take that lightly, and I appreciate you.

 I leave you with a Bible verse that has touched me today.

Your righteousness reaches to the heavens, O God,
You who have done great things.
Who, O God, is like You?
Though you have shown me many troubles and misfortunes,
You will revive me once again.
Even from the depths of the earth
You will bring me back up.
You will increase my honor
and comfort me once again.

Psalm 71: 19-21

wake up, sleeper

I've been listening to Kari Jobe's, "We are the Light of the World," on repeat and this writing just poured out of me.  It's not my typical writing style, but sometimes that's ok. 

 ************

She'd been in a daze of sorts.  Feeling things so deeply. So much bad news. So much sickness. Such hard times. The unknown. So much sadness. It was all hitting her hard.

Wake up, sleeper.

Nothing eventful really happened to her, yet anything she heard or felt seemed to stick. She was so bogged down by everything and it all felt so heavy.

She was reaching for so much but it was too far. The greatness she heard about and aspired to felt so far away.

Wake up, sleeper.
Lift your head.

She went through the motions. She got it done, but only just barely. She just wanted to get through the day so she could watch Gilmore Girls on Netflix or maybe take a bubble bath.

Wake up, sleeper.
You were made for more than this.

Yes, she was constantly trying to get THROUGH each day, but what she REALLY wanted was much more.

To live it.
To enjoy it.
To lead.
To shine.

She knew she was made for more than this. She always knew this.

But there was so much to be done, and always stuff to put away. Appointments had to be made and schedules kept. Friends are grieving. Babies are sick. People are hungry. Loved ones are scared. Strangers are lonely and looking for someone to care. Children aren't safe and don't have clean water. Family is dying.

And it all seemed like too much.

What could she do?

So she slept.

And then she finally heard.

So wake up sleeper
Lift your head
You were made for more than this
Fight the shadows
Conquer death
Make the most of the time we have left

You GOTTA
Let your light SHINE.

 So she wakes up.

She hears.

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. Psalm 46:1-3

So she is not afraid.

She hears.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

So she lets go and she feels lighter.
 

lyrics from "Stars in the Sky" by Kari Jobe

She hears.

...trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I’ve conquered the world. John 16:33

 So she has faith.

She imagines Him knocking down the heaviness, stress, grief, sadness, hunger, fear, loneliness and death. She lets Him conquer it.

So she finds peace.

She was so tired of sleeping.

So she decided to wake up, lift her head, and SHINE.


*lyrics from "We Are" written by James Tealy, Chuck Butler, Hillary McBride, and Ed Cash

resolutions

 

I used to be all about the whole New Years resolutions thing. I would doodle pretty headings, use stickers, and list my goals and some positive phrases, all in a beautiful journal. Truth be told, I never could fill in any pages of a journal beyond the resolutions, but I ALWAYS wrote down my resolutions.

My hubby is SO about goal setting. Even when we were dating, we would set a date in the beginning of the year with the sole purpose of sharing our resolutions, dreams and aspirations for the year. I remember attending a little presentation he gave his fraternity on the importance of setting goals. We would even make dream boards to share with each other, with pictures cut out from magazines.

Yep, big goal setters and BIG dreamers over here.

I say all that to admit that this year, I just don't FEEL like making any resolutions.  Gasp.

What I mean to say is that I want to make resolutions so badly that I get all goose-bumpy and teary-eyed just thinking about it.

BUT I can't.

I'm too scared and I'm too embarrassed.

I haven't made any New Years resolutions yet this year because I am scared that I won't accomplish any of them, and I'm embarrassed  to make the same exact resolutions that I have made for as long as I can remember, just to fail at reaching them once again.

To illustrate my point, I just found my journal from 2009. I turned the beautiful pages and realized that truly, I've accomplished very few things I listed in those resolutions. What's worse is I know I had written very similar resolutions for probably ten years before that. One of the few things I DID tackle is teaching our now six year old her ABCs. Thank God I can cross that one off.

photos from my 2009 journal

 


I know I haven't been sitting around doing nothing, and I know I have accomplished plenty in the last six years. I have a lot to be proud of, and more importantly, thankful for.

But still.

Still, I cringe listing the same resolutions that I've had for so many years. I'm embarrassed to share them with anyone else.  Well meaning friends ask me if I've made any resolutions and I just want to run to my bed and pull the covers over my head.  How can I claim that this year I will blah blah blah, and mean it, when I honestly meant it every other year and I never managed to follow through and make it happen?

Oh, so this is the year it will definitely happen? Yeah, ok.

Well, you know, that's the scared, pessimistic part of me.

The other part of me is so optimistic. I am excited. I am so excited for this clean state. This fresh start. This new year. 2015. I want so badly to say that this is my year.

I just.
I just can't fail again this year.
I HAVE to figure this stuff out.

This stuff.

You know, this stuff will probably always be my stuff. I hope with all my heart to conquer it and never look back (if I could at LEAST be the most organized, size 2, creative genius in Kenosha, that would suffice). But, my struggle with my stuff may be life-long. I get that. We all have stuff. The struggle, as they say, is real.

But my stuff, my struggle, my perpetual list of to-do's, goals or resolutions does not define me. Yes, I want greatly to cross some things off of my reoccurring resolutions list once and for all. But, who I am - who I want to BE - is so much more important than these things on my list that I want to DO.

"Many of us create "to do" lists to remind us of things we want to accomplish. But people rarely have "to be" lists. Why? "To do’s" are activities or events that can be checked off the list when done. "To be", however, is never done. You can’t earn checkmarks with "to be's"...it needs to be part of my nature—my character, or who I am." - Lynn Robbins

When I was a teenager, I heard Janice Sjostrand, a phenomenal speaker/singer/songwriter, give a sermon at youth camp that made such an impression on me, and will stay with me forever. It was about Esther - Hadassah - and although I can't remember all of the details as I'd like, I will never forget one sentence that Dr. Sjostrand said. She said, "When I grow up, I want to be lovely". Regardless of anything else we young ladies would strive to be, she urged us to resolve to be lovely.

I have set my sights on being lovely ever since. I'm not there yet, and I don't claim to be, but it IS who I want to be.

In 2015 I will continue to work towards becoming lovely, and I will add some more "to-be's" to aspire to. I like that a lot better than my usual list. Yet, I'm not ready to completely bid adieu to the usual list of resolutions. I truly want to meet these seemingly insurmountable giants head-on.

This year I hope to - HAVE to - be able to see notable improvement. I want to be able to look back next year and say that I took steps towards my goals. Some large steps. That I am on my way. That I am so close. So close that maybe I can actually tweak my resolutions for 2016. That would be amazing. I could live with tweaking.

So, since I've decided to overcome my fear of failure, and lean towards optimism and becoming a better me, what am I going to do to start 2015 off in the right direction?

1. Define who God would have me be and who I want to be. I'll try to make them match.

2. Find an inspiring, meaningful word and make it my mantra for the year.

3. Establish a Bible life-verse to pray on and cling to this particular year and/or always.

4. Yes, write down my same-old-boring resolutions, but more importantly, include real, attainable steps to getting closer to my goals. That way I can see progress this year and not beat myself up if I don't make it all the way to the finish line.

5. Read "Crash the Chatterbox" by Steven Furtick. Our church started this sermon series today and our life group will do a six week study on the book. I can already tell that this will be huge for me.

I don't know what I was thinking, trying to get around making goals this year. I am a dreamer and a goal-setter to a fault. I have been my whole life. So much so that I often find myself so eager for what is to come, that I can miss the joy in the season that I'm in. That is the last step to pointing myself in the right direction in 2015.

6. Practice an attitude of gratitude.  Be thankful for, and find joy in, all - ALL - things.

Here's to a New Year filled with acknowledging how far I've come, who He says I am, an admirable, yet attainable list of resolutions, a "to-be" list that's more important, old friends, new friends, family, good-books, belly-laughs, very few fashion faux pas, growth, thankfulness, lives being changed, lost being saved, doubts and fears overcome, health, love, prosperity, ingenuity, creativity, and joy unspeakable joy.

Ok, one more step.

7. I should also try harder to invent something this year. My hubby REALLY wants us to be on Shark Tank.

the gesture

I walked into the house after a long day. My husband and kids had run in before me and were excited that we had received some real mail.

Christmas cards. Our favorite.

There was one addressed to me. I eagerly tore open the envelope to reveal a beautiful, glittery card chosen with me in mind. The simple message was so beautiful and meant so much. There was a gift card tucked inside so that I could get a treat. My eyes filled with tears.

We are sort of new friends, so this was a very sweet, unexpected act of kindness. I'm sure she hoped it would brighten my day, but I'm also sure she didn't know just how much it would mean to me. I'm sure she didn't know it would touch my heart this much, and make me smile each and every time I see it.

A simple gesture.

My friend was able to show me that she cares. She was intentional about making me feel special and lifting me up. A simple gesture can go a long way.

I got to thinking about just how much the little gestures impact my day to day. A lovely text or message from a friend. A coffee or treat. A hug. To feel noticed. Appreciated. To know someone thought of me. If these acts of kindness mean so much to me, I'm sure they do to others as well.

Everyone is so rushed. Especially this time of year. I could go on and on about all the "stuff" that could keep me from reaching out. But, there will always be "stuff" and there will always be somewhere to rush to. I just try to remember that no matter what is going on, I can always do SOMETHING.

I can do something, and hope that it brings a smile and warms a heart. I can hope, that even if it's a small gesture, that maybe it can save a day from being lousy. Maybe it can make someone feel less alone. Maybe the simple gesture can go a long way.

Today I was able to be a little less rushed and a little more intentional. Reflecting back on my day, I was amazed that I was able to offer quite a few simple gestures, that hopefully showed love to others and made their day a little brighter.

- At the grocery store I bought a friend's favorite candy. It reminds me of her and I want to give it to her the next time I see her. I also bought a magazine for a friend that's been spending all of her time in her father's hospital room. It was a couple of dollars that can maybe give her mind a needed break for a couple of minutes.

- At the drive-thru window, the cashier dropped my gift card outside the window, onto the ground. She felt so bad, but I smiled and said it was totally fine (even though it was raining). I got out of the car to get the gift card, and noticed there was quite a bit of money on the ground, so I picked up a bunch of the coins and put them in the donation box.

- At Hobby Lobby, the customer behind me was purchasing some big ticket items without a coupon (noooooo)! I stayed through his transaction so that I could show the cashier the coupon on my phone and save the customer some money.

- At Kohls, I noticed a woman looking at a particular scarf for quite a long time. I fought the urge to go about my business, and commented that it was a good choice. She was so happy to talk. She talked to me about her gift exchange, and scarves, and material, and texture, and thread, and return policies for quite some time. But she was lovely, and it was ok to give her that time.

- After all the errands were finally over and dinner was overdue, I passed a car pulled over on the side of the road with the hood up. It was dark and raining, and I had three kids in the car. Plus, you can never be too careful. I drove on towards home, but decided to loop around and pull close to the car to get a good look. I rolled down my window and saw it was a younger driver. She rolled down her window and I asked if she was ok. She smiled and said she was ok and waved. I felt better that I asked. I've been in that position, and even when I don't need the help, it's nice to be offered.

I share these not to boast or convey that I've got it all together. Rather, I share these to show how easy it is to reach out and show kindness. Besides a couple of dollars for the grocery store treats, it cost me nothing but a little time to just be kind. If I only pay attention, I notice there are such easy things that I can do to engage with someone and hopefully be a light.

Maybe these acts won't change someone's whole day, but maybe they WILL. They sure changed mine.

I want to notice my family. I want to notice my friends. I want to notice my community. When I take the time to notice, opportunities to help are so easily spotted. A little gesture may just be a BIG deal to someone.

stop honking your horn

It seems like lately, I get honked at almost once a week. Seriously, nothing irks me more while driving than being honked at. If I am about to get in a terrible accident, please, by all means, honk at me. Please stop me from putting myself and my family in danger. That is really noble of you.

If we are not in danger, do not honk your horn at me. Please don't.

Just stop honking your horn.

You may be thinking I'm probably a terrible driver and deserve to be honked at. No. I just don't think so.

Then what am I doing to get honked at so often? Oh, I don't know...driving? No, really. Lately people are honking their horn ALL the time. For anything.

Maybe I decided I didn't have time to turn left during the yellow light. Maybe I looked down for a second and didn't go the very second the light turned green. Maybe I was going slowly down a residential street to read an address. Maybe I stopped for a pedestrian.

Whatever the reason, it was not ok by someone else's standards and someone else felt the need to let me know how much they disapproved. How I could be doing better. How they didn't like what I was doing. How it annoyed them. How that's not what they would have done.

Well, here's the thing. This is not a blog about driving.

I've been bothered by this honking issue for awhile now, and it dawned on me that is going on in all aspects of life. This honking is happening on the road and in our relationships. On the internet where we can hide behind our computer screens. One friend told me that I should consider writing about moms being judgmental of other moms. How sad that this is such a problem! We are honking our real and metaphorical horns ALL the time. It's kind of an epidemic.

I'll let you in on a little secret. I don't have to honk my horn unless it is an emergency. Unless someone is in danger or is seriously going to cause a major catastrophe.

I don't have to honk my horn whenever I am bothered.

I don't have to say everything that comes to mind.

Guess what? Nobody wants to be corrected. Yes, sometimes it's necessary. If you are my friend or loved one, and want to say something to me in love, of course, you should! If you want to correct something that I already feel bad about, then maybe it's not necessary. If you have to say something, say it in a really loving way.

Because.

Don't you think I know? Believe me, I keep a huge list of my shortcomings right here in my noggin. Do you think I need you to point them out to me?

My husband, bless his heart, does a lot of things that bother me. I feel the need to remind him all the time. I usually sigh heavily first, and then dive into what he did wrong. He's going to get such a big head, but I'll still admit it. He hardly ever tells me what I am doing wrong. He must be bothered by the little things I do too, but he rarely mentions them.

I actually don't think he knows what he is doing half the time with these little things that bother me. Maybe I should say something so he stops doing them.

Well, first of all, no. I've been reminding him for almost 9 years now, and he's not catching on. I'm not sure he ever will. Second of all, he may not remember to rinse his dish, but he WILL remember that his wife always has something to complain about. That his wife is always correcting him.

Why do I need to tell him everything he does wrong? Can I not overlook some minor annoyances and see and appreciate him for all that he is and as the man that I love?

I don't have to say everything that comes to my mind.

Like I said, sometimes a warning or correction truly is necessary. But before laying on the horn, I should ask myself:

Will it warn or keep safe?
Will it edify?
Will it encourage?
Will it be given in love?
Will it be received in love?
Is this something that truly needs to change?
Have I prayed about it and do I feel certain the Holy Spirit is leading me?

I should NOT honk my horn if:

It will be done in anger or jealousy.
The hurt it brings will be more costly than the result.
I am unsure if it is truth or just MY opinion.
It is unnecessary to growth or salvation.
I just want to be right.

So, what can I do instead of saying something negative, hurtful, unhelpful or critical?

ENCOURAGE
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. 1 Thessalonians 5:11

BUILD UP
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Ephesians 4:29

EDIFY and DEVELOP
So let us then definitely aim for and eagerly pursue what makes for harmony and for mutual upbuilding (edification and development) of one another. Romans 14:19

BE FULL of GRACE
Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. Colossians 4:6 NIV

BRING out the BEST
Be gracious in your speech. The goal is to bring out the best in others in a conversation, not put them down, not cut them out. Colossians 4:6 The Message

As long as it's not an emergency, I have time to encourage, build up, edify, develop, be full of grace, and bring out the best BEFORE turning to loving correction, and certainly before judgment.

And I might add, if there is someone in my life that I see struggling, and could feel tempted to look upon harshly, maybe I could find a way to help them instead of judge them. A hot meal goes a long way to making a struggling Momma feel loved. Or something else. But maybe I could DO something positive and helpful, instead of thinking or saying something unkind.

So, when driving, and living life in general, let's remember: Just because we have a horn and CAN use it, doesn't mean we SHOULD.

We need to start loving and giving grace and STOP honking our horns.

a beautiful mess

 

Can I just be honest?

I am a mess.

I mean, it is really bad sometimes. Sometimes, I am such a mess, that I would almost consider it a disaster.

I am overwhelmed.
I am impatient and crabby.
I *sigh* too audibly.
I'm disorganized.
I make mistakes.
I let people down.
I'm out of shape.
I have a messy house.
Sometimes I am so stressed or anxious that my body shuts down on me.
I say things I regret.
I make bad choices.
I worry.
I make excuses.
I can be negative.
I dwell on my shortcomings.

The CRAZY thing is - and this is what I wrestle with every.single.day - is that I know - I KNOW - that I have been made for so much more.

I recently wrote, "greatness seems pretty far away when there are dishes piled to the ceiling and your kid has been wearing the same pajamas for three days."

The OTHER crazy thing is that after I wrote that...after I put myself out there, and was just really honest, and real, and vulnerable.  Even embarrassed.

After I decided to take that leap and expose some of my weaknesses more than I ever had before. There's been a shift. A change. I've been realizing, and seeing, and believing, that God is actually using me through the mess.

Things are happening.
God's greatness feels closer.

I didn't think I could hear God this audibly in this mess. I didn't think I could pray with people or encourage them like this in this mess. I didn't think I could see clearly in this mess.

Yet, here I am in my messiness, and I am hearing. I am praying. I am encouraging. I am finding clarity.  More than I have in a long time. 

What makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful.
I am finding the beauty in the mess.

I don't WANT to be a mess or stay a mess. I'm bothered by it. I'm often smothered by it. There are some things that are truly not as they should be and have to change.

But if I wait. If I wait for the mess to be cleaned up. If I wait for all my ducks to get in a row already. If I wait for the perfect timing.

I may always be waiting.

I'm not going to wait. I can't wait.

One of the cool things about God is that He is know for using people that are ordinary. He uses people that are all kinds of messy.

You've probably seen this list of people in the Bible and their shortcomings. Their mess.

Abraham lied.
Sarah laughed at God's promises.
Moses had a short fuse.
Jacob was a liar.
David had an affair.
Lazarus was dead.
John was self-righteous.
Jonah ran from God.
Thomas doubted.
Jeremiah was depressed.
Elijah was burned out.
John the Baptist was a loudmouth.
Martha was a worrier.
Noah got drunk.

See, that all seems a little messy. 

But aren't we ALL a little bit of a mess?

Thank God that He uses us right where we are. Thank God He uses regular, ordinary people. He sets us apart and he calls us by name.

He justifies us. Justified means marked for a good and legitimate reason, or made righteous in the sight of God. He justifies me. Even in my chaotic, icky, unworthy messiness. Now THAT is crazy.

God knew what he was doing from the very beginning. He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son. The Son stands first in the line of humanity he restored. We see the original and intended shape of our lives there in him. After God made that decision of what his children should be like, he followed it up by calling people by name. After he called them by name, he set them on a solid basis with himself. And then, after getting them established, he stayed with them to the end, gloriously completing what he had begun. 

-Romans 8:30 (MSG)

I'm so thankful that there is so much more to me than my shortcomings. I'm so glad that in the midst of whatever else is going on, there are still great things happening. It feels like something is really stirring.  Some days are so hard and the tasks seem too daunting.  BUT God will stay with me to the end and complete what he began.  Seriously, there is almost a tangible hope.  There is so much beauty right here in the mess.

A beautiful mess. I'll take it.

 All Around.

Hope is springing up from this old ground.

Out of chaos life is being found in You.

You make beautiful things.

You make beautiful things out of the dust.

You make beautiful things.
You make beautiful things out of us.

 "Beautiful Things" by Gungor

 

 

 

God,

Please make my mess beautiful. I want to be called and used by you NOW. Do a work in me, so that you can work through me. I thank you for the calling you have on my life, even when it's messy.

I pray that you turn my overwhelmed into ease, impatience into self-restraint, crabbiness into happiness, sighs into laughter, worry into peace, stress into faith, negativity into joy. Help me be organized, make better choices, build people up, choose my words carefully and kindly, own my mistakes, and take responsibilities of my actions. I pray that through you, I can let go of the things I've been forgiven for and delivered from.

God, YOU make beautiful things. I pray that you continue the work you started in me.

In Jesus Name,

Amen




*I occasionally follow an artist's blog called "A Beautiful Mess", and I love the song "Beautiful Disaster" performed by Kelly Clarkson.  Both phrases were inspiration to write this post.