to my third child on his first birthday

It's hard to believe that you are one year old. As cute as you are, and as exciting all of the new things you are learning are, I am actually sad to see this milestone come. With you, I am not in a rush for you to do things. I am content for you to stay the baby as long as possible.

This year went so fast. Too fast.

In honor of your birthday, I wanted to write you a letter.

 

Dear Eli,

First of all, I want you to know how much you were wanted. We waited and waited for you. You were always supposed to be part of our family and we are SO thankful you are here.

I hope you always know how wanted and loved you are. Completely and Unconditionally.

 

Before you were born, we knew you had a divine destiny to fulfill. Something big and great.

I hope you always remember God has a purpose and a plan for your life. It's bigger than you could ever imagine.

Being the third child, you have had to cry and wait more than I would have liked. It breaks my heart when you cry. Yet, you are so patient (for a baby). As soon as we come to you, you snuggle in and stop crying. You are extraordinary.

I hope you always focus on the good and find a way to forgive easily and completely. You are an example and a world changer.

What a sweet boy you are! You are funny and cuddly. We have so much fun with you. You know just how to put a smile on our faces.

I hope you always take time to laugh and have fun. Your smile is contagious.

You are a very easy, content baby. Honestly, I think you have to be, because your siblings aren't always so easy (shhh...don't tell them). There is a peace and joy about you that is infectious.

I hope you always find a way to be happy and strive to be a peacemaker.

From very early on, we have been protecting you from your siblings. They are just so excited to love on you! I am sorry if you haven't always been approached with the gentleness that a baby deserves. I am convinced it has strengthened your character and abilities.

I hope you always stay strong and go after what you want and what is right. You are a fighter.

You may not have a baby book yet (I'm so sorry...it's coming!), but we have taken so many pictures of you. We all adore you and have tried to capture every moment of this year. It brings tears to my eyes to think I could forget even one precious moment of you as a baby.

I hope you always savor the moment and appreciate the joy of memories with loved ones. Every moment counts.

I could never have imagined how much joy you would bring to our family and friends.
You are a light.

I hope you always find a way to shine bright little one.   We love you so.

Happy 1st Birthday Elias Allan!

put your hand in mine

The other night the baby was crying. This is nothing new. He is eleven months and has never slept through the night. It goes without saying...I'm tired. Really tired. For real.

So, he cries.

It is maybe 2 am. I decide that this time I am not getting out of bed. I will let him cry it out. I let him cry maybe ten minutes. I can't take it.

I go into his room quietly. It is unusually dark that night, but I can tell he is standing up in his crib. He is always standing up in his crib.(*This is why my babies have never put themselves to bed. They will out-stand me and out-cry me. Every time.)

When I get to the crib, my eyes still haven't adjusted to the darkness. I put my hand on the crib railing. He stops crying.

This moment took my breath away.

He stops crying and he puts his tiny baby hand on top of mine.

I didn't even know he could see me. I didn't think I made a sound.

Maybe he could see me better than I could see him, but it felt like a poignant moment. It felt like he just knew. He knew I was there and he just stopped crying.

Then. Then he reached out and put his perfect little hand on my hand. I got chills down my spine.

Remember, I could barely see him, so this simple act stunned me. It melted me. For him to find my hand like that when I didn't expect it, was so powerful to me. I could feel God so strongly in that moment.

I can't stop thinking about it.

It really made me wonder. Do I sense God when He is right in front of me? (This is always, right?)  I did that night. I do sometimes. But do I typically?

Even when it is dark.
Even when I am scared.
When I am crying out for Him.
When I am sad.
Distressed.
Worried.
Confused.
When I don't understand.

Do I know He is right here? Do I stop my crying and feel His presence? Am I immediately comforted? Do I realize how near He is? Do I reach out and put my hand on His?

I don't think I do. Not usually.  Not like I could. 

If only I could be like my sweet baby. My very presence quiets him. My voice. My smell. My touch calms him even after crying for ten minutes - an eternity to both my little guy and to me. I am everything he needs. As my Mom says, "Mommy is his favorite" right now. All is right in the world when he's in my arms. Almost always.

Could I let God comfort ME like that?

I ask God every day to help me. I beg him. Please God. Whatever I'm facing today. Sometimes it's small, but it feels so big in this moment. Be with me. Help me through this. I can't do this alone. I'm not cut out for this.

Yet, He's right here with me.

 

 The LORD remains near to all who call out to him, to everyone who calls out to him sincerely. Psalm 145:18

 He is right here - NEAR to me. He WILL help me. I have just to dry my tears and reach out for His hand.

I, the LORD your God, hold your right hand and say to you, 'Don't be afraid; I will help you.'

Isaiah 41:13

Lord, let the mention of your name calm me. When I am sad, distressed, worried or confused, let me feel your presence and grow quiet and still. I know I only have to reach out and you are there. 

I never want to forget the moment when my precious baby reached out to me in the dark and put his tiny hand on mine. I never want to forget how it felt. Allow me to hold onto that moment and more importantly, what you were trying to teach me. Always. 

Amen.

enough is enough

So, I've  been struggling with something for awhile now. Oh, I don't know...maybe for like 20 years or so.

I've been struggling with the "I'm not ever GOOD ENOUGH thoughts". Just like the

caps-lock, my thoughts yell at me. Mistakes I've made try to suffocate me. Even when I do give my all and feel like I've done my best, it can end up feeling like it's just not enough.

It feels like I'm not enough.

 

Some nights I lay in bed over-analyzing every conversation I had that day. Every activity. Every task. I think about how I wasn't good enough. I think about how I'm failing. God, am I failing? Don't worry, the nights I don't over-edit my day, I fall asleep immediately due to exhaustion (or due to the fact I stayed up an hour too late watching Chicago Fire) - ha!

I do take steps to build myself up.  I surround myself with family and friends that encourage me. But sometimes it just doesn't matter - my thoughts threaten to tear me down.

 

Thoughts like these...

You are not a good enough friend.  You cancelled. Again. You didn't call her back and you didn't use a happy emoji after your text. What will she think?

 

You're not a good enough wife.  Most husbands don't have to dig through a basket to find matching socks. A good wife would greet her husband EVERY night when he walks in the door.

You aren't a good enough mother. You yelled. You got frustrated over something small. You don't play with them enough.

 

You are not fit and healthy. You fell off the bandwagon again. Don't you want to succeed at this?

You don't try hard enough. You make goals and you hardly ever reach them. 

The list goes on.

 

It's painful to read isn't it?  Maybe you have thoughts like this too.

 

It's extremely difficult for me to admit that my thoughts can start down this "not good enough" path.  I would never talk to someone else this way. No way. Never.

 

So, why do I let these thoughts get to me? 

 

I hear phrases like "you were made for more", and "you're destined for greatness".  And I believe this wholeheartedly. 

I do. 

But...

Greatness seems pretty far away when there are dishes piled to the ceiling and your kid has been wearing the same pajamas for three days. 

Right? 

I know it IS healthy to take a good look within and find what I need to work on, but dwelling on shortcomings and defeat is NOT a healthy way to live.

So how do I maintain a healthy viewpoint of myself?

Well first and foremost, I have to forgive myself when I make a mistake, or don't measure up to my own - or anyone else's expectations.

 

 1. I don't have to let my thoughts linger on the past. I can set my sights on the future and doing better.
   Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a new thing! - 
   Isaiah 43:18-19       

2. I have to remember that God makes all things new.
   Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the kid has gone, the new has
   come! - 2 Corinthians 5:17

3. Just because someTHING that I've done doesn't seem good enough, that doesn't mean that *I* am not good enough!

4. Get together with family and friends and be REAL.  When I do this, I walk away uplifted, renewed, and feeling like most people are going through "stuff" too!

So, tell me more about being good enough...

This is what I am trying to remember.

I am enough. (Self: listen up, YOU ARE ENOUGH.)

 1. God called me and has given me everything I need for a Godly life.   

   His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our
   knowledge of  him who called us by his own glory and goodness. 2 Peter 1:3

 

  

2. I am precious to God, even if I am rejected by people (or myself). God called me.

   As you come to him, the living Stone--rejected by humans but chosen by God and

   precious to him--But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation,
   God's special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you
   out of darkness into his wonderful light. - 1 Peter 2:4, 2:9

 

 3. I may fail over and over, but God is my strength. God never fails.

   My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion

   forever."  - Psalm 73:26

     

4. Above all, God's grace is enough.  
   But he said to me, "My grace is enough for you, for my power is made perfect in
   weakness." So then, I will boast most gladly about my weaknesses, so that the
   power of Christ may reside in me. - 2 Corinthians 12:9
          I guess this blog, and me writing, is a way that I can "boast most gladly about my weaknesses," however
          exposed and vulnerable I may feel. I certainly long for God's power to live in me.


I am equipped, prepared, called, and chosen through HIS divine power...because GOD is ENOUGH.

And In Conclusion...

Don't worry.  Accepting that "I am enough" through Christ will not make me complacent.  I will never stop striving to be my best. I will just try forgive myself, and accept where God has me more completely than I have in the past. I know I will have "not good enough" moments, and I hope to reflect quickly and thoughtfully so I don't get stuck in a rut of negative thinking.  I also try to understand that if I give my best, that is always enough.  As Maya Angelou said, "Do the best you can until you know better. Then do better."

Do your best. Forgive yourself. Know that you are enough. Learn and grow. Do better.

Rinse and repeat. 


So, let's all agree that we've had enough of the destructive, "not good enough" thoughts already.

Enough is enough.
 

(But seriously, I need to be a better Mom. I'm pretty sure the baby just ate a waffle that's been in my purse since Friday.)

 

the one about the time I got excited at church

Crazy story.

I almost jumped off the risers during the choir song this past Sunday.

I know. Crazy, right?

Sure, we can get excited from time to time at our church. Personally though, it takes a lot for me to want to JUMP, and I certainly haven't felt like jumping in a long time.

But, this week we were singing about the Mightiness of God. We were singing about how Angels bow before Him. How Heaven and Earth adore Him.

Maybe that's a little church-y for you. Maybe you just can't imagine getting worked up like that.

Maybe if you saw what I saw, you could understand why I could barely contain myself. Maybe if you saw what I saw, you would see how my eyes were opened to how Mighty our God truly is.

What did I see?

I saw you. You suddenly lost your loved one, and you are grieving. You were standing. Worshiping. Praising God anyway.

I saw you. You are sick and you are worried. You don't feel like yourself and you don't have any answers. You didn't feel like coming but you came any way. You sat there with a newfound strength.

I saw you. You have lost and endured so much. I saw you with a smile on their your face. Being a voice for those that can't speak for themselves. Changing this World.

I saw you. You are overwhelmed. You do this alone and you feel forgotten. You stood up and praised God anyway. He knows your name.

I saw you. You're waiting for your loved one to have a divine intervention. You have had sleepless nights and prayed incessantly. You had tears in your eyes and you thanked God for what you know He will do.

I saw you. You don't know how you'll make ends meet. You don't know where your path will lead. Everything is unknown right now. You do know God will provide, and I saw you giving Him glory.
 

So you see, if the grieving, the broken, the sick, the weary, the worn and the confused can stand when they hear "Lord You're Mighty!" When these dear ones can worship right there in the unknown. Right there where it is hard and messy and painful. Because if Angels bow before this Mighty God we serve, that gets me a little excited.

And I might just jump a little.

 
 "Lord You're Mighty"
By: JJ Hairston & Youthful Praise.

Lord You're mighty
Lord You're mighty

 [Verse 1:]
Oh Lord how excellent is Your name in all the earth.
You set Your glory above the heavens and the earth.
When I think of all You've made, the sun, the moon and the stars.
No praise is high enough to express how great You are.

[Verse 2:]
What a mighty God we serve.
Mighty God we serve.
Angles would bow before the mighty God we serve
What a mighty God we serve.
Mighty God we serve.
Let heaven and the earth adore the mighty God we serve.

Lord You're mighty
Lord You're mighty

Hallelujah
All glory
All honor
All praise
All praise
[Repeat:]

To the mighty God we serve.
Mighty God we serve.
Angels they bow before the mighty God we serve.